[He wonders if it's intentional, the way Snafu drags things out too long - it keeps happening - or if he's just like that, if it's a way of measuring or something he can't help. After reading the file he still can't decide. There's too much still unknown, information that he thought he'd receive but will have to learn on his own. It frightens him, if he's honest; it overwhelms him, more accurately.]
[What overwhelms him more is that question. It hits him like a brick in the chest, along with the realization that he has to answer it honestly. Has to. Because if he hides it, it's a weakness, and he's tired of people using it against him. People like Bill Macy and the vicar, saying he couldn't handle the world and he can't handle it now. He knows instinctively the way prey animals know that if he gives any ground to Snafu it will be used to hurt him later. If he could just trust him - but he knows he can't.]
[And he doesn't want to be ashamed anymore. He doesn't want to hide. Simon coming back just made that clear. It made it so he couldn't choose, Simon's bare-faced presence meaning he could either avoid him or be honest about what he is but not be near him and hide - but it made it clear that not hiding is the right choice. That he shouldn't have to hide anything.]
[It's anathema to him, being this open. But maybe wanting to hide is what locked him up in his own head in the first place.]
[He rolls up his right sleeve and leans forward to show the long, deep, dark gash in his forearm. Looks at it instead of at Snafu.]
spam; tw suicide
[What overwhelms him more is that question. It hits him like a brick in the chest, along with the realization that he has to answer it honestly. Has to. Because if he hides it, it's a weakness, and he's tired of people using it against him. People like Bill Macy and the vicar, saying he couldn't handle the world and he can't handle it now. He knows instinctively the way prey animals know that if he gives any ground to Snafu it will be used to hurt him later. If he could just trust him - but he knows he can't.]
[And he doesn't want to be ashamed anymore. He doesn't want to hide. Simon coming back just made that clear. It made it so he couldn't choose, Simon's bare-faced presence meaning he could either avoid him or be honest about what he is but not be near him and hide - but it made it clear that not hiding is the right choice. That he shouldn't have to hide anything.]
[It's anathema to him, being this open. But maybe wanting to hide is what locked him up in his own head in the first place.]
[He rolls up his right sleeve and leans forward to show the long, deep, dark gash in his forearm. Looks at it instead of at Snafu.]
I killed myself.